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Life Plan

I'm in a positive mood and I'm feeling like planning out my/our life.
2012-we established our relationship, moved in together, and got me settled in Georgia.
2013-we'll move to a better apartment, get me back in school, add a pet, and (hopefully) get an engagement ring on my finger.
2014-we'll pay off outstanding debts besides my student loans.
2015-I'll graduate from college, we'll get married, and start trying to have a baby.
2016-we'll be done with apartment living and into our own home, I'll settle into my career (depending on arrival of baby), and Eddie will be in school.
2017-Eddie will graduate and look for a career, we'll work on baby number two.

Life is unpredictable, but this timeline makes me happy and secure and positive about what is to come.

Amitola 1.0

It's been a while, and I'm attempting another legacy challenge. I'm using the Awesomesauce format, but I rearranged the colors.
Read more...Collapse )

Nov. 28th, 2012

No reason for this. No reason at all. I just hate myself. I'm worthless. I'm unattractive. I'm stupid. I'm a waste of space. I'm needy. I'm dependent.
Sometimes, I just want to take off alone and find out how long I can make it with NO ONE caring about me or checking on me or anything. Just relying on myself.
I don't think I'd make it very long at all.

Sims Home

I don't normally post my sims creations anywhere online, but lately I've been wanting to join a building community on the website and need somewhere to showcase my projects until they're completed. I recently lost all of my sims games that were installed on my computer, along with everything else. Because of that, I currently have almost no custom content, though I'm sure I'll slowly reaccumulate that.
Anyway, this is the house I built tonight, a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home on a 20x30 lot designed to be closer to the downtown action. Screenshot

Approaching from the front, you're greeted by mature trees, homey landscaping, and a wide front porch. The shuttered windows seem ready to embrace you as you walk in the wood and stained glass door.
A view of the floorplan shows the flow from kitchen and dining space, into the living room. The master bedroom is accessed from the kitchen, leaving the hallway for the 2 kids' rooms.
In the dining room, there's seating for six, plus three at the kitchen bar area. The bay window looks out over the pond and outdoor eating area.
In the kitchen, there's a sleekness to the black and white look, but a comfort in the arrangement.
The living room has plenty of space for the whole family, and plenty to do with a flat panel tv on the wall and well stocked bookcase in the corner.
In the first bedroom, the functionality for a growing child is displayed, there's space for childhood memories, as well as adolescent dreams.
The nursery, on the other hand is ready for a busy growing young boy. Planes overhead and dogs on the wall show the many interests that will keep him from doing schoolwork in the years to come.
At the end of the day, a relaxing master suite welcomes you for the night. Keepsakes on one nightstand and tissues on the other, this is a room you'll be comfortable in for a long time to come.
Those weekend days when you have time to enjoy your family, enjoy chess on the back porch, go fishing in your pond, or grill and eat outdoors.
eaving this home might be the most difficult part, at just over 80,000 simoleons fully furnished, this home could easily become your dream.


I Made It

After having a really rough week last week, I can finally say I made it. I didn't give in to negative thoughts. I talked to my boyfriend, got the reassurance that he would love me no matter what, and that he was there for me. And I found the motivation to continue making healthy choices. 
I honestly think I took a bad experience and worked it to my advantage. My supervisor at work talked to me about something she'd noticed I need to improve on, and I felt very hurt by it to be honest. I'd been under the impression that I was doing better than expected at everything at work (relatively new job and I felt like I was very ahead of the curve), so hearing that I was really off in something was unexpected. The benefit of that was that for the next day or two, especially at work, I was so focused on being hurt, improving, and (I admit) on really disliking her for blindsiding me with it that I forgot about the negativity that had been overwhelming me. Now, I'm over the issue with my supervisor, and over the negative thoughts, and making more healthy choices; I started doing Power 90 yesterday in the hopes that the extra effort in improving my health will help keep those negative thoughts away. 

Sep. 15th, 2012

Numb is the answer. If I don't feel anything, I won't give in. right?

Sep. 15th, 2012

After posting here last night, I sat down with paper and pencils and wrote a bunch of very self depreciating ranting everything. I confined myself to the couch for a bit in order to make sure I wouldn't give in and cut. I finally got up and woke my boyfriend up and had him read it. He came out to the living room and talked with me and sat with me and made sure I'd be okay. We didn't get back to bed until almost 4AM, but I kinda feel better today. I want so badly to get over everything that should be left in my past. Cutting is obviously a serious issue in itself. As far as smoking goes, I know that there are plenty of successful happy people who smoke and it doesn't detract from that. I don't see myself as one of those people though. For me, when I feel like a failure, I become one. I feel bad about a situation, so I make another bad choice, and another, and on and on until climbing out of that seems impossible and there's no reason (in my mind) to try and avoid more bad choices and habits. In my mind, there's a clear distinction between happy, healthy, and successful; and depressed, struggling, and failing. I need to keep myself from going across that line in order to not fall completely into that pattern. 
Knowing that Eddie, coffee, and a few things I'm excited for in the future can change my thought patterns right now is an amazing feeling. Knowing that I can talk to him and not have him see me as already having failed is awesome too. My future and my well-being are in much better hands now than they were a year ago.

I Have This Constant Need...

...to fuck everything in my life up completely.
And I don't know why.

I have what I want, I'm with my boyfriend, I got away from the expectations of a tiny close-minded town, I have plans for my future. I haven't smoked in two months, I haven't cut in three months. All I can think of is which of those two things I want to do. Actually, to be honest, I know I'd buy a pack of cigarettes in a heartbeat if I left the apartment right now. I don't get what it is. I've quit smoking before, and at some point afterward I get an insatiable craving long after any type of addiction should be gone from my system and it plagues me until I give in and buy a pack. Sometimes that's a couple of months after I quit, once it was a year and a half. I don't know how long the craving lasts, because I usually only make it a week or two before I bum from someone or buy my own, but then it's all downhill because I never just want one cigarette. I like smoking. I don't know why. I know that not smoking is better for me, more in line with my goals and who I see myself as in life and all that, but I really do enjoy it. If it weren't for important people (read: boyfriends, past ones and current one) disapproving so strongly I wouldn't have ever attempted to quit. At the same time, I also reminisce about cutting and the release and the lightness afterward. I still always feel like I'm hiding from everyone anyway, and really, hiding cuts isn't that hard (except from boyfriend) and oh god, the feeling of letting everything out at once is something that I haven't ever experienced any other way. I know that in order to keep doing what I want and need to be doing in my life I need to stop this thinking and find a way to get my mind on a more healthy track, but I don't know how to do that. I've never successfully talked to someone about the inexplicable desire to start smoking after having quit for a while, and I don't know that I can do it. I've also never admitted to starting smoking again after having given in, I'm always found out despite my attempts to hide it. Sadly, what's stopping me now is the fact that we literally can't afford for me to smoke. I debated bumming one from someone at work tonight so much that I got a little adrenaline rush at the thought of getting what I wanted so badly, but I didn't. I miss the people in MN that I wouldn't think twice about bumming from, the people who would think it was odd that I DON'T smoke, rather than it being unusual that I wanted to. I miss a lot about MN. It's kind of hard to comprehend that I won't ever be living there again. 
The more I type, the more I think. The more I think, the more I feel like a failure. The more I feel like a failure, the more I talk myself into just failing on these things as well. If I already fail at life, I might as well do what I enjoy too, right? I don't even know what to do. And I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Fuck. I hate being so far away from everyone. I wish I could go to Anna's, or Ivy's, or the 40 and just talk to someone who understands and who is fucked up themselves. I feel like I have to be so perfect down here, like I have to prove that it wasn't a mistake. Damnit, I want a cigarette.
I'm pathetic.

Why do I even Care?

I went over to DBIF's (douchebag idiotface, my ex) house tonight. He still has my high school diploma and a shotgun my grandpa gave me (swear, I wasn't going to use it on him, I just wanted it back). I'd heard rumors that his new girlfriend was living there, but I needed to get my stuff and drop off a couple of his things that I still had, so I just braced myself and went anyway. I guess she isn't living there, she's still in the cities with her parents. But anyway.
He gave me the shotgun with no problem, and we even talked like almost-friends for a while. Then, knowing that he fails at looking for things, I looked a couple places in the house where I thought my diploma might be. One of those places was the closet in the master bedroom, it had been my closet after all, made sense to me that it might have been in there.
It wasn't.
A fuck-ton of her lingerie was though.
Way to clarify that your new girlfriend is thinner than me, kinkier than me, and fucking you in what was our bed. Could he not have warned me that I wouldn't want to open the closet? Seriously. Douche move, asshole.

It shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't. I moved on. I have lingerie that I bought for my boyfriend too. But I don't go fucking show him, I wouldn't let him see it.
I honestly wanted to try to be friends with him. But somehow, seeing that shit, I don't even want to see him ever again.
I dunno. Its not like I thought he'd never move on, or not have sex with anyone else, but still. It's like when he put their relationship all over facebook when I still had him on my flist. Just don't. Dick move.
And yet, I want him to be happy. If she makes him happy, I'm glad. Because it's a hell of a lot better than having him beg for me back all the time like he was doing.
Although, he said he still misses me and wishes we were able to be together again.
But he's obviously fucking her.
Oh, and, here's the funny part. He met her on that Christian Mingles website or whatever.
I have nothing against meeting online, me and Eddie met online too. But he's not even a christian. And she still lives with her parents and sings at church. Wish mommy and daddy would see the shit I saw tonight, surprised she doesn't burn up when she walks into church.


I'm miserable lately. I miss Eddie more than I thought was possible. I saw him less than a month ago, and I'll see him less than a month from now, but in the meantime it just feels like there's no point in doing anything because nothing I can do will make it so I can be with him any sooner. I have homework piling up, and things I need to do for myself, and all I want to do is sleep because it makes the time go by faster. I try so hard to convince myself that it's not that long, but it doesn't seem to help. After my trip to Georgia in May, I won't see him until August, when he moves up here. That's an 81 day gap between seeing him and moving in together. That is an unbearably long time. I just want to be in his arms and stay there. Why, why, why can't we just be living together already? This hurts too much to tolerate for another 100 days without knowing that we're together permanently.


took a pregnancy test tonight. logically, i knew it would be negative, and logically i know thats a good thing. but i am truly completely crushed by the fact that it was negative. i realize that we've only been together for a couple months, and that down the road we'll be much better prepared for a child. but i really wanted it to be now. i have had baby fever since i was about 17, and i'm finally with someone who wants a family too.i think when i started feeling like it was a possibility, i let myself think it was somehow meant to happen. now, my brain keeps saying that it never will happen at all...that i'll never be a mom. that just crushes me. idk what else to say. i just feel like shit tonight.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


makes me smile

so...there's this guy...he kinda makes me smile...a lot. he's long distance, and a couple years older than me, but he's the sweetest guy i've ever talked with. he's a nerd, and i <3 that about him. he adores everything about me, and seems to want me to reach all my dreams, and be there with me as i do. he needs to finish his degree where he's at now, and then hopefully we can cut the distance out of things :D 

Jan. 24th, 2012

all the people who never got to know me, dont deserve to.
everyone who's wanted me to leave, watch me walk away.
my friends who have been there show me how lucky i am.
i can see the future, and its blindingly bright. this will only make me that much stronger in the future, so thank you all.
good riddance!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


In my heart, I know I see us together forever. I want to be with Jesse, I want to marry him, raise a family with him, grow old with him. But somewhere else (not my head, my gut?), I keep thinking we've hit a dead end. I know the reasons...we haven't spent any time together lately, we're both stressed the hell out, we've been sick...basically not a great time for either of us personally. But that lack of effort into our relationship seems to cut it down to nothing so fast. I'm scared of what happens when we have a family and we're stressed and unable to take time for ourselves. I guess maybe it'll just be something we need to make a priority, a date night every week or so. 
I just texted him and told him I want to have a mini date tonight, just cook dinner together and eat by candle light. Just enough to make us see how much we do love each other.

2012 Resolutions

In the last couple of years, I’ve made more of a point of making resolutions. Can’t say I’ve kept very many throughout the whole year, but I try. Sometimes, I don’t put much thought into them…deciding on what they’ll be at 11:45 New Year’s Eve night. Other years I kind of look forward to the chance to start just a little bit fresh. This year is more to the latter side.

1. Use my camera…take a picture every day.

2. Complete Power 90…start the bootcamp week January 1st.

3. Create and complete a To Do list every day.

4. Live within my paychecks…stop thinking of financial aid as spending money.

5. Keep things organized.

6. “Love me ultra” (Jesse’s words, and he’s obviously the ‘me’)

7. Stop taking people for granted, make an effort to communicate with and appreciate the people who matter to me.

8. Use my oil paints, I started a painting off a picture from when we were in Alaska and I’d like to finish it.

9. Learn to not let my moods overcome me…I’ve gotten better at this, but I still have room for improvement.

10. Get gun safety training.

11. HGTV the house, includes painting, decorating, and yardwork.

12. Get my love tattoo.

Just another lesson in life

when you love someone, and you care enough that they mean the world to you, you want nothing but the best for them. when that person goes down the wrong road, it kills you inside. watching them suffer and struggle when you just want to help them is torture. knowing that you can't help them until they're ready, and they want to change can eat you up inside. seeing them destroy their future and doing nothing breaks your heart. in the end, still being there to support them when they do come around is the hardest part of all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


School and Stuff

I haven't been on lj for a long time. And I haven't posted anything in my own journal in a very long time. I've been so busy lately it's not even funny. I'm happy though. I usually am when I keep myself focused on something that matters. We had a great weekend away last weekend. Went up to Duluth for Jesse's birthday and it was great to not have to think about homework or work work or wedding stuff or house work or anything. It was great to just enjoy my sweetie and have some downtime. Of course that put me behind schedule for this week, but it really did recharge my batteries. On the downside, I haven't been doing as well in one of my classes as I'd like to. It's not a huge deal so far, I just need to spend some more time with the text book than I have been and I'll do just fine. I can't wait for my double shifts on the weekends to be over with. It's killing me.
My baby rabies has been under control lately too. I still want a family more than anything, but now that I see our plan coming together, I can see the reasons for waiting and I can enjoy our lives now without wishing for the future. I mean, when we're doing something fun, I think "wow, I can't wait to do this with our kids" and when Jesse gets excited about something I think "I hope our kids get excited like he does" and when we spend time with our families, I can just imagine a little kiddo running around and everyone being so excited to play with them. Backing up a bit, I can't wait to have a baby bump and gush to everyone about whether we have a boy or a girl and go baby shopping and feel the moving and kicking and everything. But, I really am happy to be doing what I'm doing right now too. It's really great to see our timeline actually ticking by. I find myself now thinking "maybe right after the wedding isn't the right time, we should probably wait one more year after that" which I wouldn't have thought before. Just knowing that it's not indefinite anymore is a relief.
I don't know where I stand on weight loss anymore either. I want to look great for our wedding and our honeymoon. I want to be healthy and happy and energetic. I want to feel good about myself all the time. But I find that when I focus on weight loss, I can't see the good things about me. When I'm not focused on losing weight, I can see that I have beautiful eyes and that my body does what I need it to. When I'm counting calories, all I see is failure, fat, pathetic me. Maybe the answer is to focus on health instead. If I were to focus on eating healthy, getting fruits and veggies in me and not so much junk I'd lose weight anyways, but I might not feel like such a failure when I do hit the drivethrough or eat dessert. I'm not sure yet, but if I want to get anywhere I need to come up with a plan pretty quick here or I won't reach much of a goal weight anyways.
I guess this is quite the ramble, but what else is going to happen when I haven't written here or even really had time to digest my thoughts in a while. Doubt anyone read this, but I'm fine with that, it's for myself anyways and I feel good for getting it out.

Hammond Family DITFT 1.1

Hi, I realize this is coming really fast, but I've got another chapter ready. The first chapter was basically narrated (which is horrendously boring, I know), but this one will be from Rachel's point of view. Also, I did some image editting for the second half of this chapter, so let me know what you think of that :) 
When we left off, Craig and Rachel had moved into an adorable little house in Twinbrook, Craig had planted a garden, and Rachel had joined the stylist career. They had met a couple of people from around town, and Craig was down on one knee.
Now, I'm not going to pretend I didn't have my suspicions about Craig asking me to marry him, I noticed the $500 taken out of our savings account. There's still something to say about someone being down on one knee in front of you.

I did the only thing I could do, I said yes and ran into his arms. My life is a dream come true.

We talked about things briefly and decided that neither of us really had anyone to invite to our wedding. He'd been an orphan, and my parents had all but disowned me for moving "to the middle of backwoods-nowhere for some guy" and certainly wouldn't be leaving their cushy LA condo to come to my wedding.
So, we did what seems to be the most normal thing in our relationship: we got married by ourselves. Even without the dress, cake, celebration, and my father to walk me down the aisle, it was the most perfect moment of my life.

I couldn't be happier. I have my husband, our home, my dream career, and our whole lives ahead of us.

Although people may doubt this, our wedding night was our first time together. It was everything I'd ever hoped it could be.

When I got up the next morning and saw that Craig's garden had started to sprout, it seemed so...symbolic, our life had sprouted up overnight. And we'd finally put down some roots here.
I soon determined I didn't feel so hot though.

I'd just gone on and gotten ready for my first day of work, figured it must just be nerves, with everything in my life changing so suddenly, it would only make sense for my body to freak out a bit.

When I got to work, I discovered that the salon had been advertising my services as something of a "Big City Look" and I'd drawn quite a following among the women who'd had dreams of leaving...but had children instead.
I was more than happy to help, but I couldn't help wonder if I'd someday regret settling for such a small town, it wasn't quite what I'd imagined growing up.
I put my worries out of my head and focused on making friends with my coworker, Trish Hanson. I found that she was something of a local celebrity, and found myself one by association. This would never happen in Los Aniegos where I grew up, it took unending efforts to be recognized in the shadows of Lady LaLa and D. Piddy.

Unfortunately, it seemed my nausea wasn't over. I rushed to the bathroom, and then was able to head home for the day.

I was surprised when I got home to find that Craig wasn't there. I sent him a text and he told me he was at the community gardens again.

That night, just as I was getting into bed, I discovered the cause of my nausea...I was pregnant. Craig was already sleeping, but I knew he'd be thrilled.

When I got up the next morning, I told him the good news and headed out to make breakfast. He insisted on getting a side-shot of my growing belly. There's not much to see here though!

After breakfast, Craig headed out to the garden again. Things really seemed to be growing quickly...in more than one aspect.
As I was cleaning up the house, I glanced at my hand, and found myself still shocked to see my wedding band. Things really were moving quickly.

I got an opportunity that afternoon to enter a cooking competition. I didn't have too many dishes to choose from, so I kept it simple and made grilled cheese sandwiches.

The judges seemed to have a childish taste though, because I won $100!
Note also that my belly is huge! This baby must be coming soon!

After getting a good night's sleep, I discovered that unlike most career women, I wouldn't be paid for my maternity leave. I decided I'd better contribute somehow though, so I went out to help Craig with the garden.

Once the plants had been tended, I headed down to the library. I guess I was feeling a bit insecure about the little one growing inside me. Craig was going to the junkyard to find some scrap for his inventing, and I asked him to come to the library when he was done.

I found the pregnancy/child development books easily enough, but was more than a bit uncomfortable about the company I was in.

I mean, the vampire-detective hovering over me and then the little girl with the ape face? I don't mean to be rude, but I don't want my child growing up around people I'm not comfortable around.

I was just finishing my book when Craig got settled in with his. I told him I was going to check my facebook, and headed into the computer room.
Call me crazy or blame the hormones if you must, but I was looking at real estate. I browsed a couple of different regions, and settled on the island of Oahu. The home I chose wasn't available just yet, but I put in an offer anyways. I hope Craig doesn't get too upset about leaving.

I finally got headed home, and just in time, I went into labor just after walking in the door. I texted Craig, and he said he'd be home shortly.

He walked in the door and started freaking out, going on and on about not being prepared. I had to calm him down, relating it to a game...somehow, I don't really remember.

I do remember thinking how I couldn't wait to have a good cup of locally grown coffee...once we got to Oahu.

I had just started pushing when he realized we'd saved money by having the baby at home. Leave it to a frugal sim to ignore the birth of his child in favor of finances.

As soon as I saw her face, I knew that there was no time to resent Craig about what he was or wasn't thinking of. We're a family now. Craig, Aisha, and me. And everything will be just fine.

Thankfully, while we'd been out, I'd had an interior decorator here, redoing Craig's workshop into an adorable nursery for our artistic, outdoorsy little girl.
I couldn't have been happier when Craig said he'd play with her a bit so I could go to sleep. I'm sure he'll be thrilled about moving to Oahu.
I decided to play this as not only a DITFT, but also an Alphabacy...with a theme for each generation's names. This generation's theme is places. If anyone has ideas for place-themed names for either gender for B, C, D, or E (not sure how far I'll get exactly) please let me know :)

Hammond DITFT 1.0

Hi, I haven't done a legacy at all for a while, and fell in love with a sim couple I made this morning. I'm going to attempt the DITFT challenge, with a few modifications (I'm sure most of us modify the rules a bit). I'll post links in each chapter that take you back to my journal, where you can find the entire history of the Hammonds, as well as any downloadables I've put up on thesims3.com
Hope you enjoy, please leave me a comment!
Meet our founders, Rachel Kendall and Craig Hammond. Rachel was born and raised in Los Aniegos, and met Craig online. They fell in love, and she moved to his hometown of Twinbrook to live with him. Craig grew up an orphan, unsure of his family history and was very much left to his own devices of finding his way around Twinbrook. The way Craig grew up leads into the way he wants to live his life and raise his future family: living off the land.

Craig: Wait a minute now, that's not entirely true. I'm not just a farmer, I'm also an aspiring inventor, handy, frugal, and family oriented. I want to raise a family, make 3 "monsters", and farm.
Well, that's true, but the jist of it is, you'll be a farmer, those other dreams will have to be secondary. Except for the fact that you will have children, of course.

As for Rachel, her dreams include beautifying the townies of Twinbrook, which will involve some hefty schmoozing. She's also a neat freak and a naturally talented, vegetarian cook. Not just anyone would have moved here from Los Aniegos either, she's fallen hopelessly in love with Craig.

With all that in mind, Craig headed off to the community gardens to harvest some produce to start his garden.

So I sent Rachel to give you a tour of the house. Easily distracted should have been one of her traits.
And she got distracted again. I'll finish your tour.

Craig, of course is able to find more than enough produce at the community gardens. He harvests even the plants he can't yet grow, the produce will keep, or Rachel can cook it up.

Back at the house, Rachel made a salad just as a couple of Townies stopped over. She's obviously not the best hostess, making her guest eat in the bathroom.

Following dinner she does a bit better though, offering them the seats and being the one to stand.

Eventually, Craig comes home, sweaty and dirty from being in the gardens all day long. Rachel shooes the guests away while he bathes and eats.
And like the sickeningly sweet couple they are, they spend the evening chatting and being lovey-dovey, and then fall asleep dreaming of what is to come.

Monday morning finds Craig diligently working on planting his garden...

...and signing up for the subsidies offered registering as being an officially employed farmer.

When he gets back from city hall, he tries out the inventing bench.
And we're faced with more heartmelting love between them. But, is Rachel ready to settle down in Twinbrook for good?

I Just Want to

My brain is going in two directions at once. I want to do school online. Nevermind that I suck at online classes, or that most of my classes next year will be very hands on. I just want to be by myself, it's not like I have friends all over campus as it is. I want to do things on my terms and on my schedule. I just want to have the ability to lounge and then put myself into overdrive at the end of the semester. It's honestly how I work best. I excell under pressure.
But at the same time, and just as strongly, I want nothing more than to spend less time alone. I want friends so badly. I want a social life that everyone should have in college. I want to be surrounded by people who want to be around me. I strive to have people actually care if I'm around and to look forward to seeing me. I want friends who remember things to tell me about because they know i'm interested in a subject. Or who think of me at weird times, someone misprounounces a word or laughs like me or something. I don't want to blend in, I don't want to fade to nothing.
I want to be vibrant. I want to be interesting and intriguing and likeable. I want lifelong friends and stay in touch. I want people who are good people to want to be my friend. I want to be wanted, not sexually, not co-dependently, but wanted for my company, my humor, my intelligece, my unique perspective, ME. Why can't I find that anywhere outside of my family and my fiance? Why am I so hard to like?

Gettin' Schooled: The Giani Legacy 1.0

I've stumbled across some amazing creators lately on ts3 website. One is Coasterboi who made the world Los Aniegos, modeled after Los Angeles. Another is Jurik1124 who made an awesome high rise dorm for me. These two have been used in my new story, a loosely followed legacy with an added young adulthood challenge. The rules to the challenge (which I made up myself) can be found here: forum.thesims3.com/jforum/posts/list/358493.page I've played through that part, so here's the first chapter.

Meet Alexis, newly on her own and just moving into Lakeside Dormitory. She's going to spend the requisite 10 days here, learning all she'll need for a successful life.

Upon moving in, she decides the most useful skill to start with is cooking-and she's a natural at it, so this should be easy.

A couple hours later, she's onto her next natural talent, charisma. We're on a roll!

It isn't long before Alexis is thinking of how much she'd rather be leader of the free world already. A good education is the first step though.

After reading the paper, it's off to the hotspot of the night...

An out-of-the-way place just up the street from the dorm, The Squeaky Wheel. Hope the inside is less country than the outside!

It seems we're in luck, this is Steven Perez, and he thinks he's pretty hot stuff.

Of course, what college student doesn't order a flaming drink?

Because of the rules of the mini-challenge, she's just one of the guys. The black haired one is Michael Murray.

She isn't fond of losing to Steven and his creative moves.

She heads to the bathroom, and Steven starts dreaming of her glossy lips o.O

And they discover that they both dance pretty well...

That is, until Alexis thinks of how exhausted she's going to be tomorrow, and she heads back home.

As per usual, midnight snack of cereal after hitting the bars.

And she shows me just how rude the people I live with are, she actually does her dishes, before they get crusty, imagine that!

Then, it's off to bed with the rising sun as a nightlight.

Typical Tuesday, up at the crack of noon...just like me!

Clearly, learning anything but charisma seems a waste of time...

With a kitchen like that, I'd cook more at school too!

And then she takes advantage of the pre-planted greenhouse.

Tonight's hotspot is the Catroina Jazz Club, not quite her scene again, but might as well head out.
Why does every guy she meets do this flexing thing?

She gushes to him about how much money she'll make by increasing taxes when she's leader of the free world.
His name is Derrick, by the way.

Hmm...can't say he isn't passionate about his music.

Steven calls, and she guesses correctly that he just wants to get her in bed before Michael tries it.

She took a shower when she got home, guess necessity is the mother of her next skill: calling the repairman handiness.

While she gets her plumber's crack on, I check out Michael's house...not too bad if I do say so myself. She'd fit right in there...

And she finishes off her Thursday by chatting with Steven online. Finds out he's a grocery store clerk.

And breaks the computer with her stinkiness.

Now that she's halfway through college, I'm going to take a break and let you read up on it. This is a fun challenge, it'd spice up a legacy a little bit. Comment if you have any thoughts, good bad or otherwise.


Wants someone to talk to, just so I can rationalize how crabby I am.


Blargh! Soo much going on. I met with my advisor today and when I told her I still hadn't taken the MTLEs she basically told me I needed to do so...about 6 mos. ago. I'm all registered and paid and everything, so now, without any studying time or prep at all, I'm taking them Monday. 120 miles away. Eff me. Honestly, I think I'll do okay, I test very well. I've never had to pay $125 for a test that affects my future career, but we'll just go with history here.
On top of that, an exam I was supposed to make up today, and had an appointment with the professor to do so, I have to take tomorrow instead because she didn't effing show up! PROFESSORS: YOU ARE NOT GODS. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JERK US AROUND. So frustrating. I've seriously studied for that test more than any test in my life I think.
I had to sign up for summer classes this year, so I won't be able to work this summer, like, at all. And I have to figure out housing for summer because driving 100 mi. a day isn't quite practical with no income. My summer vacation has shrunk to about 3 weeks. Damn it.
On the bright side...there has to be something good, right? Uhm...I stuck to my diet today. I got another new phone since the current one continuously shuts off, during phone calls, sending texts, unlocking keys, WHILE NOTIFYING (VIBRATING) ME OF A CALL DURING CLASS! Major problem there. Worst $60 I've spent in a while.
Oh, back to that bright side, only 10 days till I'm 21. People keep saying it's not a big deal, but when you're underage, it IS a big deal. I can't wait. Woop Woop. Oh, and I won a VIP membership to the fitness center for me and a friend. Hella yeah.
Anyways, goodnight. Got a test in the mornin.


Happy Housewife

I'm on spring break and of course Jesse has to work 8-6 M-F. I've been keeping busy though. I cleaned the house Monday, hung out with a friend and painted Tuesday, yesterday I just relaxed and had some time to myself (and took him out on a date), and today I did some more cleaning. I still have homework to do, and there's still house to be cleaned. I tend to run out of steam on cleaning after an hour or two. It's been a long time though since my train of thought has been "I'm excited, I can do this for him, for us." and it feels really good to be prioritizing like that. Last night, we got all dressed up and went out to eat at one of the nicer restaraunts around. I bought, and told him not to worry about the prices. I ended up spending $55 or so, but it was a blast. And like I said, it was nice to do it for us. When we get to go out, we start thinking about each other and our relationship so much more. It really refreshes us and helps so much. Next week, we're going to the concert I got him tickets to. We're going to bypass the drama of staying with my mom and get a hotel room instead. And we're taking 2 days off so we can go to the science museum or the zoo or something on the way back home. I am so content lately. It's an amazing feeling to be so at peace with myself and where everything is at. We're planning the wedding, we're both super excited about it. He keeps talking about how we can come up with extra money to put away for it. I even like feeling very domesticated, 1950's like. I enjoy making dinner for us and having actual homecooked food in our bellies. I loved taking him out last night and being able to go all out on it. We went to bed pretty early last night, but we layed there and cuddled and talked and kissed for an hour or so. We don't feel like we're sick of each other. We don't buredn each other. I know I'm contributing to our house and our relationship, and it feels so good. It's amazing what doing good can do for you.

Why do I do this to myself?

So, my friend has been ignoring me for a while now. We share a room, but she's never here. I, being the good friend I am still attempt to do things with her when I do see her. Today we went to the dining hall for lunch, she didn't have her ID so I got her lunch. Then, she's got cramps so I got her a water to help with the bloating. Immediately after that, she leaves with one of the friends she continually ditches me for. Why do I do this? I knew she was going to go with him, I still basicallly kissed ass for the 45 minutes I actually spent with her. She promises she's going to return the favor, but she still owes me $10 for gas and $15 for a textbook, so what are the chances I'll ever get repaid for any of it? Slim to none. FML. I hate this. We moved in together because we didn't like our other roommates and now she's gone all the time. I'm just second best if the other friends are busy. I hate feeling like I have to fight to keep our friendship because I have no other friends on campus. It sucks. I wish I'd stayed with my horrible other roommate, at least then my friend wanted to spend time with me.
I know, "get active in something, make other friends, meet people, be less available for her, etc." but when you lose a friend like this it doesn't feel that easy. If it wasn't thrown in my face constantly that she doesn't give a fuck about me anymore, I probably wouldn't mind so much, but when she comes back to the room talking about her other friends and their plans and shit, it just sucks. It's like her standing there screaming "i have cooler friends than you, I don't need you anymore, gtfo of my life loser!" and I hate it. I don't deserve this, I didn't do anything to her. I have no fucking idea why she's being like this. She has to get sick of the other friends at some point, right? I mean, no one likes being around someone constantly. Or she has to wake up when midterm comes around and she's failing all her classes because she stays up till 3-4 AM and then misses classes most days, right? I mean, I don't know how she could NOT see the problem with that. She's paying for school herself, so it has to be important to her, right? UGH!

Blah Day

I'm lonely today. I just feel the need to have some human contact/company and there's no one around. I'd love to be home and sit with Jesse, but he has bowling anyways. Emily is at a friend's house. I have two tests tomorrow and should really be studying anyways. I just want a hug. Like, somehow I feel less valuable as a person when I don't have people around for enough of my day. Meh. I'll be fine, just a ugh night I guess.
Anyways, to-do lists for tonight and tomorrow.
human sexuality ex. cred. paper--45 min
study for ^^test--45 min
study for biology test--1.5 hr.
meteorology survey--15 min

sexuality test
bio test
elementary math 2.4 and 3.1 assignments
garbage out


Would you ever quit a job because you simply didn't like it? I'm a fulltime college student and my financial aid is enough to live on. I work part time on campus but dread going to work every single shift. Should I just throw in the towel and focus on school (which I've been failing to pay nearly enough attention to currently)?

to be happy, to be light, to be carefree!

I did some apparently much needed soul searching last night. This whole wedding thing has been stressing me out lately, everyone wants something from my day and I have my expectations and there's just no way everyone can get everything they want. I finally figured it out though and I talked to Jesse about it this morning, and he agrees, it's perfect. While I want the white dress, pictures, memories, friends, everything a wedding is supposed to be, my family will cause unimaginable drama. I can't remember ever having both parents together in one place in my life, not even when I was born. I'd decided previously that we should just spend the wedding money (our money, little to no family contributions have been offered) on a cruise and get married at sea. Several people have issues with that though, including Jesse. So, I made a time-consuming list of who wants what from our wedding and figured the best way to please the most people with Jesse and me most important-it is OUR day, not theirs. I came up with perfection. We'll have a very small outdoor wedding with parents and grandparents and maid of honor and best man only, traditional aspects but less costly ($1000 for the day). Then we'll go on our tropical honeymoon, not being tropical would be a deal breaker for both of us. We will be somewhere in the Caribbean for 5 days or more. After that, we'll have a very casual backyard reception with food, pictures, family, friends, dj, all of that and actually be able to enjoy it because we'll have already had our wedding day and won't be overwhelmed.
Finally, I'm not worried about pissing someone off, being too stressed myself, or anything like that. This will be my week-long wedding and I will enjoy every minute of it because it will be done exactly the way I want it.

Back on track

I really need to get my thinking back on track. Last week was beyond difficult, ended up in the ER for pain Saturday morning. All semester so far has been sick>recovery>sick>recovery>pain+sick>pain>sick>recovery but I'm finally feeling better today. It's sunny, the snow is melting, I have my window open. I got a poster for my dorm room (New Super Mario Bros Wii) and had a great valentine's day. Now, I need to get myself back onto a schedule so I actually get shtuff done decently and decide if I want to keep my job. I thought I'd be fired after not showing up Sunday, but I don't think I am actually. So Maybe I'll stick it out a bit longer.
leave by eight
test at 10
class 2-3
reading break 3-4
class 4-5
dinner 5-5:45
work 6-9
homework 9-11

up by 7:30
class 9-10
class 10-11
homework/lunch 11-2
class 2-3
dinner 5-5:45
work 6-9
homework 9-11

Now I guess I just have to figure out exactly what homework I have to do and in what order. Ugh, I need to stop getting behind. On the bright side, I lost more weight, I'm now down a total of 29 lbs. and am only 14 lbs from being "healthy" which is awesome.

This Place is Poison!!!

I had an amazing week at school. I have been on top of everything, enjoyed time with friends, did well with diet and exercise...got my health checkup, got a job... Immediately upon getting home, my mood plummeted. I've been crabby, nit-picky, up and down, and just all around pissed off. I know it's not my fiance that is the issue, because we went out last night, and I had a great time. Also, I got home before he got off work and as soon as I walked in the door, I hated everything.
I don't know what to do, we BOUGHT the house. And now it kills my mood this badly? How in the hell do I compensate for this strong of a feeling toward our house.

Epiphany of the Day 8D

So I was sitting in the Union between classes today, and I realized how good I feel being where I'm at with life right now. It felt so good in fact, that I scribbled this down in my notebook:
This time around, I feel like I'll finally achieve my goals. I'm not focusing on just losing weight, or looking better. For the first time, I'm focused on BECOMING better in all areas. I want to eat healthy, exercise to be fit. I want to be confident. I want to be outgoing, I want to do things that interest me and make friends that share those interests. I want to be inspiring and motivating. I want to look back someday and say I did all I could to experience all I wanted and took every opportunity. I won't be held back anymore by expectations of failure, or fear, or unfamiliarity, or embarassment. I really am at the perfect point in my life to make these changes and become exactly who I want to be.
At the same time as I want all of that, I'm also perfectly happy with where I am now. I feel free to work on my goals as I want and on the ones that seem important.

To add to all of that, I am not waiting until I reach my goals to enjoy life. I'm already letting go of self consciousness. I go to the gym, I do the things I want. I laugh too loud, I smile walking down the halls. If people look at me funny, that's their deal. I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve and let my feelings run their natural course. I'm finally at a point where I feel like I can trust myself to make decisions that further my wellbeing and improve my quality of life. I feel fundamentally stable. This could be the best time of my life...it SHOULD be the best time of my life. I'm in college, I'm working toward doing exactly what I want with my life. I'm taking all the right steps to achieve my goals. I no longer worry about those borderline days being too much to handle. Maybe it is possible to be cured, or to mature out of it, or for brain chemicals to even out, or something. But, even if those days do still come around, I know I have enough positive life experience now to get through it. I also know that if I do hibernate in my room and put off homework for a day, it won't be the end of the world. It isn't all or nothing. It's give each day everything I can that day, and when each day is over, let it go.
I sincerely hope that each person has a point like this in their lives. It is such an amazing feeling to realize that who ever you are, is exactly who you need to be. This might be what people are talking about with loving yourself. I truly love what I'm doing with my life now.

Too Much?

I'm beating myself up today. It's the second day of classes, and I have to miss one for a pelvic exam that I'm not thrilled about. I need to exercise yet today. I should be looking for a job, but I don't honestly think my brain can handle the stress of it. I'm so worried right now about my "girl part" health issues that the idea of job hunting seems trivial...even though it's really important. I think I might have to wait until after my exam and depending on what the news is, decide if today's the day for job hunting.
I'm really starting to think I'm taking on too much this semester. I love school, and obviously my classes aren't overwhelming yet, but I'm stressing myself out already about when I have homework in all my classes, and I have to work, and I'm supposed to exercise and I want to go see Jesse and my animals. I don't know if I even have any viable options if I decide this is too much...yeah, I could drop a class, but I'd still be living on campus, still need a job, still have to exercise, still have my health issues to worry about. I'm just letting one worry bring on another and another and I'm buried so deep now, I don't know how to get out except to take a break from all of it. But if I do that this early in the semester, what will I do when I actually have assignments and tests and stuff?
I just hope I'm not setting myself up for failure. I pride myself on not being a failure.


Money Panic!

~Nonsensical Rant, very stressed, near panic over bills and school and books and gas and groceries and no money coming in. Feel free to pass up reading~

Yesterday was my last day at work. I have 17 credits this semester and driving back home (1 hr each way) just isn't practical anymore. I've applied for several jobs where I go to school, but so far no luck. I'm begining to lose hope on that front. The paper this week had only one job I qualify for, which means only 1 job the rest of the college population qualifies for (3 colleges, city pop around 11,000). My chances realistically speaking are pretty slim. Regardless, I have car insurance due on the 9th ($75), credit card bill due the 22nd ($22 minimum, but I really really want to get it paid off, so I'd like to pay $100 at least), need books (bookstore wants $595 for them, I think I can get 3 free from friends, and the rest should come to around $200), and will come up $600 short on tuition after my financial aid comes through. Even with paying just minimum on CC bill, I'm at $900 and I have only $310 to my name now. I've been almost completely paid from my job, I've got about $100 coming yet, but that doesn't get me paid up on all my bills. I've been trying to sell my old car, which would get me out of this crunch, but no one seems interested post-Christmas.
If anyone reading this knows of any legitimate websites to make a few bucks, please let me know. If you can think of any side or short term jobs even that I could do evenings and/or weekends, let me know. Otherwise, my bills will probably end up being late, and I'll have to wait for my tax return which should be decent, but won't be here till mid February at the earliest.
I've already borrowed money from my family, and doubt I can borrow anymore. I have very little credit, so a bank loan isn't very practical. I'm taking very nearly the max amount of student loans and recieving all grants I'm elligible for already. I hate this situation, and I feel so trapped and helpless. Why is it that some people can get everything handed to them and have no gratitude for any of it, and the rest of us have to struggle every fricking step of the way just to make something of ourselves.

Oh, and a side question: if anyone has any insight to getting approved for MA or MinnesotaCare, please let me know. I've been denied for everything from having no job, not owning my car, and not having proof of paying rent all the way to being denied for not applying. Yeah, pretty ridiculous. Once they suggested that I drop out of school in order to pay for health insurance. I have ovarian cysts and they've been getting worse. My mom had cervical precancer at 20, both my aunts had hysterectomies for ovarian cancer, and I'm really worried that I might have something more serious than just cysts.
Any help is much appreciated.

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I've been thinking about my resolutions since November, so now it's finally time to set them out and figure out how to keep them.
1. Lose 45 lbs. to get down to my ideal BMI and looking better. Diet and exercise.
2. Keep this current, posting at least 2-3 times a week (I know I said I wouldn't put guidelines on it like that, but I want to keep up with it so it's an accurate account of how my moods are).
3. Put effort into looking good every day.
4. Be as normal and consistent in my behavior as possible.
5. Become more creative, painting, drawing, writing, etc.
6. Finish my scarf I'm knitting.
7. Potty train my dog.
8. Keep my spaces cleaner.
9. Take more pictures.
10. Make and finish to-do lists every day.
11. Travel out of state.
How would you describe the last decade in one sentence?

Hmm, I first read this as describing in one word, and I was going to go with "tough". But if I have a whole sentence, I'll elaborate more.
In the past decade, I have faced more difficult times, learned more about myself, overcome more struggles, and come to know who I can trust to always be there.
There, pretty good I'd say :)

Times Like This

Times like this I really feel "defective". When one thing goes wrong and makes me literally spiral into hating everything and everyone and every thought is completely irrational which I also hate. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to make this better. I always come out of it, obviously, but I don't know how or why. Last time, I took a bath, but I know the bath didn't make things better because I was still frustrated when I got out. I was magically all better and "let's order pizza and watch the vikes" by the time I got into my pjs though. The pjs can't be the cure either, because I'm wearing the same jammies now and still very much >: ( and I don't know what to do about it. Jesse has bowling tonight, so I'm already upset about having to spend the evening alone. Tomorrow's my day off though and I'm looking forward to spending that time alone, so I make no effing sense. Grr. Today was a horseshit day and Thursday will be the same. Literally, probably half the things that pissed me off today, will piss me off Thursday too. Exact. Same. Things. And there's nothing I can do about it, because they're all work things. Never work for family, let me just say that. Because when family is a dick and you want to quit, they go and get a hip replacement and you just can't bring yourself to kick them when they're down. Don't do it. Family is the first person to short  you on payroll cause they're broke and then bitch when you complain about not being paid for 3 weeks straight and having bills due. Family is a dick. A nasty effing dick who will never see that they're wrong, never apologize, never make things right.

back from the dead?

Lately, it feels like my relationship is pretty dead. I mean, we've been together for 3 1/2 years, so the excitement is pretty much gone. We've lived together for 2 years, so we function like a middle aged married couple (despite being 20 and 23). And now that I'm living on campus (only an hour away, so I'm still home a lot), that balance is thrown off pretty badly. Over the last 6 months or so, we've been near breaking up probably at least once a month. But between those times, we are happy. When my mood is decent I love him and miss him and look forward to seeing him and cooking together and watching a movie together and everything. But when it's not so decent, I dread going home for the weekends, I turn down his romantic and sweet gestures, and I don't see the things he's doing that I've asked him to do. Deep down, I know I want this to work, but there is a part of me that I think just wants to know I'm still attractive to other guys...like if I was on the market, I'd have opportunities. I don't really want to be on the market or see other guys, just want to know that I'd be wanted.
I've been dreaming the past few weeks (only when I'm at home, not ever at school) that I'm cheating on Jesse. But I'm cheating on the him of now with the him I met 3 years ago. It's really weird, I told him and he didn't see any problem with that. But it obviously (I think it's obvious anyways) shows that I love the him I've always loved, I just want that back. Now I'm just worried that I've come to not expect that, so if he does things I miss, I don't see them.
Any tips to bring this back to the way it should be?


Tonight is why I moved onto campus. This week, when I should be starting to stress over finals, I have the wonderful freedom to relax...only one is really going to affect my grade, and even in that case, if I do bomb it, I'll still pass just fine. So I'm able to relax, hang out, and enjoy all the fun freebies going on.
Tonight, Emily and Chris (both friends from high school) and I went to get pizza. They're both completely broke, and I know if/when they aren't, they'll do the same, so I bought for all of us. Even so, a large pizza, pop, and tip came to $15 cause the place has an awesome student discount. So from there, we walked to the mall. Emily had left her phone on the table and went to the bathroom, I stuck it in my purse, we got halfway across the parking lot, she pats her pockets and goes "aw fuck, my phone!", so we had her just about to turn around to go get it when I gave it to her. Throughout the mall, we kept spraying Chris with perfumes and colognes, made him try on butterfly wings at Claire's, and got him to sit in the Santa chair all shocked looking like Santa disappeared out from under him LMFAO! More than once, I laughed so hard I cried. We dropped Chris off and Emily and me came back up to my dorm. Chris texted her that there were free presents for people in their building. I heard pretzels instead, which sounded logical since the dining hall had a pretzel bar tonight, so I was surprised when he got a mug! Haha.
It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but it reminds me why I'm living up here: to have friends, my own life, and be a college kid while I can. It's awesome, and I'm so pumped for the rest of this week, which includes free cocoa and brownies during pet RX tomorrow, a free comedian Wednesday night, and free hot breakfast till Midnight Wednesday too. I love this I love this I love this.


This morning brought an exercise in relaxation in yoga. I'm not a visual thinker (some people think in words, others in pictures; I'm the first), so these things tend to frustrate me because it's always phrased "picture yourself relaxed" or "see yourself doing...." but today she said "imagine being relaxed" so I was able to think phrases that relaxed me. Every time I tried to focus on a different idea of relaxation (playing sims, a bubble bath, skiing, etc.) my mind came back to one theme: Alaska. I imagined kayaking in Thumb Cove, the sunlight warming my skin, the lap of the water against the kayak, the cool spray when I splashed my arms, the smell of the salt water, the sounds of the birds, etc. I remembered camping the night before, sitting around the fire talking and laughing, roasting cheez its over the fire :P and the cold mountain and ocean air. I thought of walking from Shawn and Beth's apartment, from woods that looked like Minnesota to five minutes later, staring at mountains. I put myself back on the flight coming in. Pitch black in Seattle and getting light along the horizon as we flew northward, seeing the snowcapped northern Rockies and wondering if we were going to be cold the whole trip. I thought of walking in the Little Susitna river, glacial meltwater still close to the freezing mark. I remembered a lot of laughing, a lot of memories, and so many things we didn't get to do, and so many things I can't wait to do again. If there were ever a therapeutic location for me, it's got to be Alaska. Maybe moving there would be a cure-ish for my BPD?

Too Young -- a poem

Too Young.
We were too young to do the things we'd done
Too young to know what we knew.
We were too young to see the things we'd seen
Too young to feel what we'd felt.
We were to young to be where we were
Too young to be hurting so deep.
We were too young to be so fragile and strong
Too young to comprehend.
We were too young to handle our parents' mistakes
Too young to deal with this world.
Though we were young and tender,
The world made us grow up too soon.
Though we needed our families,
We were seen as another disgrace.
Though all we searched for was loving guidance,
In the most tender and painful moments there was none.
Upon our return home, all our problems had long been forgot.
Any promises parents had made, had promptly fallen short.
Those who we needed had expected a simple quick fix.
Silent and alone we screamed
Cried for help without words.
Surely they would do what was best,
To our rescue they'd come.
But day after day, moments and struggles unnoticed.
Slowly we realized nothing had changed.
We were still silent, hurting, alone.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Is it so much to ask?

I've had a headache for over 2 weeks now. I've determined the cause of it to be bad vision, and I'm going to the eye doctor tomorrow. In the meantime, I've wanted some sympathy from my fiance. I've tried and tried to get him to say something so simple as "I wish you didn't feel that way" or "is there anything I can do for you?" but instead I get "don't be pessimistic, it doesn't help anything" and when I was feeling nauseous from my headache I got a heartfelt "just don't think about it and get things done anyways". That last one was the hardest for me because I have been getting things done. I've been going to class, going to work, keeping up with my assignments, and doing things with friends, even with my headache. I took a nap today, because it's the only relief I can seem to get from my headache and he jumped on my case about it. I sat up after my nap and threw up in my mouth because I was so sick from my head hurting so bad. The best I could get from him was "I've got a headache coming on too...back of my head...I need some time off" which he has coming up. He has all next week off. Me? I work on saturday, I'm helping him load scrap metal (probably about 3 tons between us, obviously in small pieces, but over about 2 hours) on sunday, I have class Monday and Tuesday, and I have papers to write and finals to study for over my Thanksgiving break. Thanks, but I don't have any sympathy anymore either.


Last week I was admittedly a bit of a drama queen. I was worried that with my roommate moving out I'd have no way to prove that I was normal and functioning, and therefore no reason to keep myself that way. This week, I've adjusted and I feel actually very calm and...intellectual I guess you could say. I find myself able to look at what I need to do and form a plan to get it done. I'm able to plan for my moods and surround myself with people who care about me enough of the time to realize when I am alone that it's only momentarily and if I need someone, I have many people to turn to. I'm actively forming new friendships as well as reconnecting with forgotten friends. It's a great feeling to see myself take this control and improve my life in a lasting way. By making contact with new and old friends (make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold) I know that if I should isolate myself, they'll notice and be able to pull me out of it. I have people I can talk to when I'm struggling or triumphing. I have the opportunity and ability to help them solve problems, which makes me feel more worthwhile. It's a truly satisfying feeling deep down to be doing this. THIS is why I moved to the dorms, THIS is what I didn't want to miss out on. THIS is the opportunity I wanted to prove myself as an independent person, successful on my own and with others. THIS is how I can prove my self-reliance. THIS IS HAPPINESS AND THIS IS SANITY. When sanity falters, return to this mode of recuperation.

Self Sabotage

Not self injury. I don't want anyone worried about that, I'm not at that stage at all.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I set up goals for myself, I just set them up on Monday. I know I can achieve them. And yet, I choose to ignore them constantly. I said I'd exercise 3 hours a week, I've exercised barely over 2. I said I'd spend an hour on homework every day, I've spent about 2 hours all week...and my grades show it. I'm starting to bury myself deep enough that digging out will be difficult. I realize that I'm building a wall, I can almost see it happening. And with every brick on that wall, it's going to be harder to get myself back to functioning on Monday morning. I don't want to fail myself, I don't want to fail anyone who still has expectations of me, but I can't keep myself up right now. I'm not suicidal, I'm not self injurious, I'm not hopeless, I'm just frustrated. And in my frustration, I rebel against myself.
God, how pathetic is that? I diagnosed my own issue, I named the cause, and I know the solution. Yet I can't do it. Why can't I function? I want nothing more than to be a normal, productive, helpful, successful member of society. I want to put everything behind me and have the praise I get occaisionally be actually deserved. i want to feel normal, successful, happy...not just appear it. I'm not an actress, I don't want to be. I want to be real, real and happy. That shouldn't be out of reach, but I keep sabotaging myself. I'm pathetic.

Great Weekend

This weekend turned out amazing. We had a friend's wedding to go to, Jesse (my fiance) was a groomsman, so we were involved in most of the activities. It was great. I was glad to see him finally get out with his friends, and I felt very included, wanted, and a part of it too. It was really fun because the bride and groom are so much like me and Jesse, it's not even funny. The wedding was a catholic ceremony, followed by a buffet style serving, yet very formal classic car themed recepton at the Eagle's club. It sounds like a mess, but it was really "them" and it was pretty. The dance was a ton of fun, even though there were usually only 10 or so people dancing at a time. There was a really good mix of music that anyone can dance to (stuff like twist and shout, YMCA, Cotton-Eye Joe, and current stuff like Lady GaGa), but my personal favorite song of the night was Jesse's Girl, because I am Jesse's girl. Everyone put me in the center and it was a blast. Somehow, I felt like people wanted me to be there, cared that I was there and having fun, and were glad to see me. Could have been an illusion, but I don't think so.
Then, this morning, Jesse and I were very cuddly and affectionate, and that made me feel even better that he was so into me. I've been losing weight lately, not out of illness, but to get to a healthy BMI and a healthy size. He commented that my second chin is gone, my stomach is shrinking, and that he loves the curves that are coming back. It felt soo good to be the object of such affection that I haven't had for a while, it really helped bring me out of the "funk" I was starting to get into.
The other great thing about the wedding and Jesse being involved in it is that it sparked his interest in planning our wedding. The bride's family also has similar family drama to mine, so I got to see how that played itself out and can somewhat picture how my family will be. I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm confident, I'm rested, I'm the person I can and should be all the time.


I can't shake the feeling today of being in some bottomless blackhole. There's really nothing wrong. I've got good grades, I'm losing weight, I'm not sick. I have family and friends...there's no reason for me to feel the way I do.
This depression is different than usual. I don't feel the whole "I wanna crawl into a hole and disappear" thing. Its just a misery that I oddly want to endure. Its not that I want to stay miserable, I've been trying to change my mood, and it has been working...until I forget to try, then it comes back and hits me just as hard.
I can't even seem to trace this feeling back to what started it this time. Yesterday I was so pissed and crabby and irritable that I should have just hibernated until I got some sleep, but that's not how I feel. This morning I actually woke up feeling pretty good. I straightened my hair, dressed cute-ish, did my makeup, went to class, all that. By the time I got done with class, I just wanted to sleep till my mood changed. But I'm not tired. I'm just miserable. I don't want to be miserable, but I don't have the motivation to put into being unmiserable.
Most of all, I don't want to let people know I feel this way. This week, a friend (Logan) is home on leave from the Army, and my fiance's friend is getting married tomorrow, so this week is not about me, it's about those three people and I don't want to ruin it, I want to enjoy it as much as anyone else does but I can't stop getting sucked down by whatever it is that's bothering me so bad. I wish I could just go back to how I felt this morning and have it last all day instead of turing mysteriously into this.

November 5th 2010

I'm not writing this blog for anyone to see. I'm not looking for comments, or friends, or a connection. I"m writing this blog because I have borderline and my moods are way out of whack sometimes and even the people closest to me don't understand and just feel pushed away when I try to explain how I feel. I'm writing this to get things off my chest. I'm writing this to be able to show myself that even when things seem really horrible, they have been good before, they will be good again. I'm writing this to destress myself and hopefully get things off my mind before they drive me crazy. If you want to read this, if you feel the need to comment, if you connect with me on somethings, feel free to post those comments. I'm not looking for advice, I don't need someone to fix me, so please don't try. I just want one place that I can vent without people judging how I feel and how I react. It's not easy to have borderline personality disorder and attempt to live like you don't. It's not easy to be on a constant swing of confidence and extreme doubt. It's not fun to be smart enough to solve problems for the people you love the most, but unable to solve your own. It's not easy to see your fiance hurt by the things you say, feel, and think; when you've put so much effort into making sure that you won't hurt him.
If you're wondering about the username, it's a remake of lyrics from bulletproof by La Roux. The line in the song is "do-do-do your dirty words/come out to play/when you are hurt? There's certain things/that should be left unsaid" I chose it because some things I say when I'm hurt SHOULD be left unsaid, I know that. But when I don't say them, they seem to eat me alive.
I don't have much else to say today, and I don't know how often I'm going to be posting, I'm not going to place rules for myself to post once a day/week or whatever, if I need to say something 4 times one day, and then nothing for 2 weeks, that's how it'll be.
Please, again, if you disagree with what I'm saying, don't read this. I don't want advice or help or anything. I just need to vent.

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